System Deathmatch
by Agent J
Summary: Title says it all. Which shall be the best. Nintendo or Sony. Will have some violence and language. This is my first fic so be kind.SEASON FINALE.^_^
1. Default Chapter

  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this fic. They are owned by the companies that   
created them.(LUCKY!!-_-) Since there's no way a person could make money off this, I would   
appreciate it if nobody sent any lawyers after me.THANKS!!!:)  
  
()=Thoughts  
**=Actions  
  
  
SYSTEM DEATHMATCH!!!  
  
UM:Welcome everyone to my first annual SYSTEM DEATHMATCH!!!  
This is where were going to find out which system   
company is the best. How you ask? By sending their  
game characters into a one-on-one duel to the death  
where only one comes out alive. With me will be my geust  
commentator. He used to be a huge icon in the gaming biz,  
but since SEGA has been having rough times, he said he  
was glad to do it. Please welcome SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!!!  
  
Sonic:Yeah right. When do I get paid!!!  
  
UM:You get paid when I say so, so shut it!  
  
Sonic:Hmmmphhh*Flips off*  
  
UM:UHH alrighty then. Let's meet the teams of competitors.  
First the fighters from team Nintendo.  
  
Mario  
  
Link  
  
Pikachu  
  
Cecil(From FF IV)  
  
Bowser  
  
Samus  
  
Ganon(N64 Version)  
  
Conker  
  
Crono  
  
  
UM:Now it's time to introduce the other side for team Sony.  
Take it away Sonic.  
  
Sonic:BITE ME!!!*UM flashes check*Okay here's the lineup  
for team Sony!!!(He'll pay for this Muwahahahaha!)  
  
Lara Croft  
  
X  
  
Sephiroth  
  
Solid Snake  
  
Nemesis  
  
Nall  
  
Serge  
  
Crash Bandicoot(Oh no):[  
  
Machiaval  
  
  
Sonic:There you have it, our teams for the first annual  
System Deathmatch(Where do they get these guys)  
  
UM:Thanks Sonic. In a while we will start the first round  
of the comprtition, CONKER VS. LARA so stay tuned.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Note:Okay that raps up the intro. Now for all you readers out there.  
I need your reviews to help me get the next chapter up. Who should  
win the next match. Should Sonic try to get sweet revenge against  
everyone. It's all up to you, so be responsable. REVIEW  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2 Babe vs. Babe Magnet

SYSTEM DEATHMATCH  
Chaper 2  
  
  
UM:Welcome back thrill readers, as we are ready to commence round1   
of the competition, right Sonic?  
  
Sonic:Yeah i'm sure we'll all get a kick out of it YOU TWO-TIMING  
FREAK.  
  
UM:(O_O)excuse me?  
  
Sonic:Whoops did I just say that out loud?^_^  
  
UM:Ahem.Anyway a few minutes ago we took the time to interview  
the contestants before the match.I went to see Miss Croft.  
and Sonic....  
  
Sonic:YOU HAD ME INTERVIEW A SQUIRREL WITH A B.O. PROBLEM,  
HE WAS DRUNK AND HE URINATED ON ME!!!  
  
UM:Hey you lost the coin toss and it wasn't my fault he was drunk.  
Now on with the interview.  
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UM:Now Miss Croft how is it that you've maintained your status as   
a favorite among gamers.(As if I didn't know)  
  
LC:Well i'd like to think i've been able to be so popular because  
of...uhhh excuse me.  
  
UM:(o_o)  
  
LC:sir.  
  
UM:(o_o)  
  
LC:SIR!!!  
  
UM:(o_o They're so BIG)  
  
LC:EXCUSE ME!!!  
  
UM:uhhh what?(God she's hot!)  
  
LC:Do you need some cold water?  
  
UM:WHOA how'd that happen.Interview is OVER.  
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UM:As you can see Lara is a major hottie end of story.  
  
Sonic:(v_v) your'e a complete perv.  
  
UM:Well at least I didn't interview conker. Now let's see that  
clip.  
  
Sonic:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Please by all that is sacred and holy please  
don't show it.  
  
UM:AWWWWWW. Are you saying you don't want your money?  
  
Sonic:(-_-)(His head is MINE!)  
  
UM:I didn't think so.Roll it.  
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Sonic:here I am with the first contestant conker.(God help me)  
  
Conker:YeR nOt my MOtHer*hiccup*  
  
Sonic:uhh are you drunk  
  
Conker:SUre I dO. bUT onLy to CUtE onEs.  
  
Sonic:Okay, that's it get me out of here!!  
  
Conker:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH that feels good.  
  
Sonic:........YOU LOUSY(BEEEEEEEEP)I'M GONNA BUST YOUR(BEEEEEEEEP)  
YOU(BEEEP)(BEEP)(BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)  
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UM:Remind me to get you some help after this is over.  
  
Sonic:(BEEEEEP)you  
  
UM:Now without further adeu, the start to the first match.  
  
Announcer:In the red corner weighing in at 70 pounds. The horniest   
squirrel you'll ever meet CONKER.  
  
*Conker comes out in his MATRIX costume.Comes in the ring in a sober mood.*  
  
UM:Looks like conker will be all sobered up for this round.  
  
Sonic:(grumble)bite me.  
  
Announcer:and in the blue corner weighing in at...uhh well she didn't tell  
us. The sexiest hottie in video games LARA CROFT.  
  
*as soon as Lara enters all the guys and even a few women start yelling   
like kids going through puberty, maybe they are.*  
  
Announcer:LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLE!!!*Bell Rings*  
  
UM:Okay the rules are simple.You fight to the death, and you are only  
allowed to use weapons and equipment used in the game they were in.  
  
LC:Get ready to become part of my stuffed animal collection you prick.  
  
Conker:Ohhhhh a foxy one eh. I'm gonna enjoy this one.*pulls out a pair of  
machine guns.*  
  
LC:Oh yeah I can play that game to.*pulls out a pair of uzis*  
  
Sonic:Looks like it's a standoff.  
  
UM:(o_o)  
  
Sonic:Hey UM are you alright.  
  
UM:(o_o)MARRY ME LARA, I WILL BE YOUR LOVE GOD FOR ALL ETERNITY.  
  
Sonic:(v_v)perv.Wait it looks like both have started firing.  
  
LC:Alright you walking leg warmer EAT this.*Fires directly at conkers head*  
  
Conker:HA! That's pathetic.*Dodges the bullets matrix style*  
  
LC:What the bloody Hell is that?  
  
Conker:Oh you wanna see well i'll show you.*Begins firing gun at super fast speed*  
  
LC:Crap! No Time.*Lara resorts to jumping high in the air to avoid the bullets*  
  
Sonic:Wow this could end up going on for hours.  
  
UM:Go Lara you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind go Lara.  
  
Sonic:(That's it you moron. Swoon over the woman. Meanwhile i'll put my plan   
of swift revenge into action that will have all of you rue the day you  
messed with me)HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
UM:(o_O)uhh sonic?  
  
Sonic:uhhh look there's Lara.  
  
UM:(O_O)Ahhh my love goddess.  
  
LC:(Damn he's just gonna keep dodging them. I've got to find a way to distract him.  
Wait a minute...I GOT IT.)  
  
Conker:Man I like this girl, maybe i'll have a little fun before I kill her. Hey what's  
she doing.  
  
*Conkers jaw drops as Lara drops her guns. He gets even more spaced out as she starts  
to seductively remove her shirt*  
  
Sonic:Hey is she doing what I think she's doing? Wow she is!!!  
  
UM:OH......MY........GOD.....YES SHE IS!!!!(Faints)  
  
LC:Well squirell boy, come and get some.  
  
Conker:Yowsa...Yes M'am!  
  
LC:Are you sure you want it?  
  
Conker:I've never been more sure in my life.  
  
LC:Then..here...you....GO!!!*Sticks knife in Conkers chest*  
  
Conker:AUUUGGGHHHH!Stabbed in the back...or rather this time the chest.  
Goodbye cruel...cruel...cruel...  
  
LC:Will you hurry up!  
  
Conker:Fine, okay....Cruel....world.  
  
Announcer:LARA CROFT IS THE WINNER!!!!  
  
Crowd:WE LOVE YOU LARA!!!  
  
UM:unnnhhhh...hey what...happend  
  
Sonic:Conker was about to put the moves on Croft.  
  
UM:WHAT!!!THAT BASTARD, I'LL KILL HIM.  
  
Sonic:He's already dead.  
  
UM:Oh uhhhh good then, cause I would've shown him a thing or two that's for sure.  
  
Sonic:Yeah right.  
  
UM:Well lets meet with the winner. Hey lara how does...it feel...to uhh(O_O)*faints again*  
  
LC:What's wrong with him.  
  
Sonic:Uh lara, nows a good time to put your shirt back on.  
  
LC:Oh yeah, sorry.  
  
Sonic:No prob he needs the rest anyway.  
  
LC:Well it's been fun, but I got to find a tomb to raid.  
  
Sonic:Yeah right. Well all you viewers out there, Croft won and UM is unconscious.  
See you next time when our next match will be...Pikachu Vs. Nemesis.(Hmmmm  
maybe I can get the check while he's out)  
  
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Note:Well there you have it. Now be a good reader and review, I'm eager to hear   
what you think, and if you have an idea who should win by all means speak  
up. Until then keep on typing.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. A no brainer...or is it?

Chapter 3  
  
A NO BRAINER...OR IS IT?  
  
  
  
UM:Welcome back thrill readers as we are ready to commence with the  
2nd match of the fic. Pikachu VS. Nemesis. Who do you think will  
win Sonic?  
  
Sonic:(He's an idiot)Gee I don't know. It's a complete mystery to  
me.  
  
UM:I know. Anyway lets have a look at the interviews we had with  
the contenders. First let's look at my interview with pikachu.  
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UM:Alright pikachu, how do you feel about your upcoming fight with  
an invincible zombie.  
  
Pikachu:pika pika pika ...pikachu(GET ME OUTTA HERE)  
  
UM:Yeah I know it's sure to be a fun match right?  
  
Pikachu:PIKA PIKA PIKACHU(YOU'RE ALL INSANE. WHO SETS THIS UP?)  
  
UM:Good, try to do your best. Here have a lollipop.  
  
Pikachu:pika(god save me.)  
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UM:He seemed to be high spirits.  
  
Sonic:Uh-Huh right(-_-)  
  
UM:Next we have sonics interview with Nemesis.  
  
Sonic:Again I want to restate that I hate you and you suck.  
  
UM:Hey it's not my fault you're so predictable. Who would think that   
it would end up heads twice, and that you'd pick tails twice.  
  
Sonic:I HATE YOU!!!  
  
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Sonic:Uhhhh...I..am..uhh...here with...the z-z-zombie..Nem...  
Nem...Nemesis.  
  
Nemesis:STARS.  
  
Sonic:AHHHHH...oh..uh-huh. Soooooo...how do you feel...*gulp*about the   
upcoming fight with pikachu.  
  
Nemesis:STARS  
  
Sonic:(O_O)oh god.*whispers*audience if I don't get through this alive  
tell the good people at SEGA that I Love you. You've helped me   
reach the stars.  
  
Nemesis:STARS.*hurls tentacles*  
  
Sonic:HOLY(BEEP). WHAT I SAY. I'M NOT A FREAKIN' STARS MEMBER.  
  
Nemesis:STARS.*Readies Bazooka*  
  
Sonic:(Beep).HE"S GOT A (BEEEEEP) BAZOOKA. MOMMY.WAHHHHHHHHH(BOOOOOOM)(fade out)  
  
NEMESIS:STARS.  
  
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UM:Well that was ummmmmm interesting.  
  
Sonic:(BEEP)YOU!!! HE ALMOST KILLED ME YOU (BEEEEP)(BEEEEEP)!!!  
  
UM:You eat with that mouth?  
  
Sonic:Let's just get on with the match okay.(Little does he know that  
soon I will have the greatest force at my command.)  
  
UM:Fine. Alright then let's get ready for the...wait this just in  
there's a huge mob of protesters that are saying to stop the  
fight.  
  
Sonic:Why are they doing that.  
  
UM:Well here's the thing. The protesters are a bunch of kids ages  
8-12.  
  
Sonic:I had no idea that the brainwashing effects of Pokemon had  
been this bad.  
  
UM:Yeah.....Well anyway this shouldn't hinder the progress of the fight.  
Let's see.  
  
Announcer:LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING IN AT 300 POUNDS.  
THE UNSTOPABLE TITAN OF DEATH.NEMESIS.  
  
*The crowd is eccstatic as NEMESIS manages to slowly get into the ring*  
  
UM:WHOA! He's looking nasty today.  
  
Sonic:AHHHHH...You think he can see us.  
  
ANNOUNCER:AND IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING IN AT 25 POUNDS. THE CAPTIVATOR(OR BRAINWASHER)  
OF CHILDREN EVERYWHERE.PIKACHU.  
  
*The crowd waits to see him come, yet nobodies coming.*  
  
UM:Hey! Where's Pikachu.  
  
Sonic:The guards just found him trying to jack a ride out of the fic.  
  
UM:Hey nobody gets out of a match. Luckily I have a device for such  
a situation. I call it THE CHICKEN RETRIEVER(TA-DAA) It calls   
back any spineless fighters to the ring. I just press the button  
and *DING* there he is. *PIKACHU APPEARS IN THE RING*  
  
Pikachu:Pika?....PIKACHU!!!  
  
ANNOUNCER:NOW...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!*DING DING DING*  
  
UM:Here we go pikachu's going left, now right now he's...  
HEY GET BACK IN THERE YOU RAT!!!  
  
Sonic:Wow he really doesn't want to do this.  
  
UM:Don't worry I've sent some guards with flamethrowers.  
There, he's back in.  
  
Pikachu:Pika pika...pika?  
  
*Nemesis just stands in the ring, not moving an inch*  
  
UM:Hey dead head!!! Get your bonebutt in gear!  
  
Sonic:Man that is wierd...Hey wait a minute. UM do you  
still have that label maker I gave you for  
christmas.  
  
UM:Yes I do you cheap bastard.  
  
Sonic:Give it to me.  
  
UM:Why?  
  
Sonic:You'll see :)  
  
*Sonic types a word into the labelmaker, and fires it at pikachu.*  
  
UM:What did you type?  
  
Sonic:Something that should get Nemesis gears in motion Heh Heh Heh.  
  
*Pikachu looks in horror to see a label marked, you guessed it S*T*A*R*S on his chest*  
  
Nemesis:STARS*Nemesis readies his tentacles*  
  
Pikachu:Pikachu*Uses agility to dodge attack*  
  
UM:Wow that's real fast.  
  
Sonic:Hmmmphhh Not as fast as me.  
  
Nemesis:STARS  
  
UM:UH-OHH he's backing pikachu into a corner. What will happen next.  
  
Pikachu:PIKA-PIKA-PI-KA-CHU!!!!!!!*Fires off THUNDER*  
  
UM:*cough*Whoa. That was a big blast. Sonic where are you?  
  
Sonic:I'm right here now get of me.  
  
UM:Oh yeah...sorry. Well I wonder what happened to them.  
  
*Smoke clears with pikachu in the ring along with a huge hole where Nemesis was.*  
  
Sonic:Don't tell me the runt actully did it.  
  
UM:No way. If you played Resident Evil 3 you'd know that Nemesis keeps  
going and going and going no matter how many times you blast him.  
  
Pikachu:Pika Pika?  
  
*Suddenly the arena gets grey around Pikachu, then a list of choices appear*  
*Stay and fight.*  
*You're screwed.*  
  
*Suddenly in typical Jaws fashion Nemesis leaps from the floor underneath Pikachu*  
  
UM:Man! The bills are gonna be huge today.  
  
Sonic:Wow! Nemesis has pikachu in a literal deathgrip.  
  
Pikachu:PIKACHU!!!*tries desperately to electrocute him with no success.*  
  
Nemesis:STARS  
  
UM:Nemesis seems to be preping his bazooka and, OH MY GOD he's  
stuffing pikachu in the tube.  
  
Sonic:Looks like Nemesis is being creative today. Hey now it looks like he's   
aiming up at the sky.  
  
Nemesis:Stars.  
  
*Nemesis pulls the trigger and sends Pikachu soaring*  
  
UM:Hmmmm...impressive but it looks like pikachu is still alive.  
Hey Nemesis is getting right under him.  
  
Sonic:Yeah and he's going to launch his tentacles. At pikachus  
current descent speed the force from those tentacles  
are going to...  
  
*slice*  
  
Sonic:uhhh...cut him in half.  
  
*Now Nemesis preps a flamethrower*  
  
UM:Now he's roasting him...Well that does it Nemesis is the winner.  
  
Sonic:I don't know which is worse, my urge to throw up or the   
feeling of dread when the mob finds out what happend.  
  
UM:Don't worry, we'll have a sleepover. Now can I have my labelmaker back.  
  
Sonic:I thought you hated it.  
  
UM:Yeah...but it's still mine, now give it.  
  
Sonic:NO!  
  
UM&Sonic:AHHHHHHHHHH!!!*punch**kick**bite*  
  
UM:Hey what's that label on you?  
  
Sonic:I should say the same thing. It's....(oh god no)*gulp*STARS.  
  
Nemesis:STARS.  
  
UM & Sonic:AHHHHHHHHHHHH MOMMYYYYYYYYY.  
  
UM:Well this is it. If we survive be sure to check in for the next  
match. MARIO VS. CRASH. I hope.  
  
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Note:Sorry if this one was to long. As always I appreciate reviews.  
So send them in. Keep on typing.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. The Nut Cracks

Chapter 4  
  
I Need a Plunger for that Hairball  
  
UM:Welcome back extreme readers to the 3rd match of system deathmatch.  
Wow Sonic we've managed to stay longer than 3 chapters.  
  
Sonic:You mean they're still reading this. It boggles the mind.(@_@)  
  
UM:No matter what the reason, we owe it to our loyal readers, and  
ourselves to keep dishing out the non-stop action.  
  
Sonic: And I owe to myself to get out of here.  
  
UM:Not till everyone is done. Now since there has been some requests   
for this we are going to put on contender profiles before the  
interview.  
  
Sonic:As if this fic wasn't getting long enough.  
  
UM:Bite me! Now let's have a look at the stats.  
Mario: Mario is a plumber who has starred   
in numerous amounts of games. His best attacks   
involve jumping which goes without saying.  
So don't be suprised if you get a headache  
when facing this pro.  
  
Sonic:That was more informative than I thought it would be.  
  
UM:It came to me while eating a pizza. Next up-Crash.  
Crash is a icon that had a shoet lived game   
career. He starred in 4+ games and like a  
tornado wants to use this match as a chance  
to reach the top.  
  
Sonic:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
UM:WAKE UP!  
  
Sonic:Whhh..woah...awwww man I had a dream that I actually got money  
for this.  
  
UM:It's now time for the interviews. Let's see how I got the good interview.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Sonic:I want to try something different instead of flipping a coin.  
  
UM:What do you have in mind.  
  
Sonic:Rock, Paper, Scissors.  
  
UM:Fine.(Heh if I know Sonic he'll put his hand out to fast.)  
  
Sonic:On 3...123 Rock.  
  
UM:...Paper  
  
Sonic:Do'h  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
UM:I got to interview Mario(^_^)  
  
Sonic:and I get a rodent whose on a constant high.  
  
UM:Let's see mine first.  
  
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UM:Hi Mario, feel stoked about the match.  
  
Mario:It'sa me Mario.  
  
UM:Yes we all know who you are.  
  
Mario:Here we go.  
  
UM:Heh heh heh...nice.  
  
Mario:Yahoooooo!  
  
UM:Back to you...I've always wanted to say that.  
  
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UM:He was surprisingly talkative.  
  
Sonic:Uh-Huh.  
  
UM:Oh and your interview was any better.  
  
Sonic:_  
  
UM:Let's have a look.^_^  
  
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Sonic:I'm here with competitor/drug addict Crash Bandicoot.  
  
Crash:Hey maaaan, don't go messin' with my high.  
  
Sonic:I don't even think a priest could mess with your high.  
  
Crash:Was that uhh......an insult.  
  
Sonic:Wow I'm surprised you could say that in one sentence.  
  
Crash:*BAAAAARRRFFF*  
  
Sonic:Goodnight everybody!O_o;;  
  
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Sonic:I think he had bananas' for lunch.  
  
UM:EWWWWWWWWWWW!  
  
Sonic:Please you didn't even have to clean it up.  
  
UM:Thank God. Now that we got that slopfest out of the way, let's  
get ready for the big match up.  
  
Announcer:IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING IN AT 150 POUNDS, THE MUSTACHIOD HERO  
OF MUSHROOM KINDOM, KOOPA KILLER EXTRORDANAIRE, MARIO!!!  
  
*Crowd goes wild as the video titan MARIO gracefully steps into the ring.*  
  
Mario:It'sa me MARIO  
  
UM:I thought we went over that already.  
  
Sonic:His egos about as big as this stadium.-_-  
  
UM:Wait...This just in, guards just found out that...Crash Bandicoot  
has died of...a DRUG OVERDOSE(Duh Duh Duhhhhh)...so I guess   
Mario wins by default.  
  
Sonic:You mean...the plumber just WINS!  
  
UM:Yep  
  
Sonic:_  
  
UM:Uhhh Sonic are you okay.  
  
Sonic:THAT DOES IT I HAVE HAD IT!!!  
  
UM:Uh-oh Sonic's gone postal.  
  
SONIC:IF NOBODYS GONE KILL HIM...I WILL.  
  
UM:Uhhhh...and this concludes todays  
  
Sonic:NO! I WILL HAVE VENGANCE!*In DBZ fashion goes Super Sonic*  
  
UM:Hey did you borrow my hair dye?  
  
Sonic:ARE YOU GONNA LET ME GO OR NOT?  
  
UM:I could very easily fry your @$$, but since the people want to read a  
fight, I'll give them one.  
  
Sonic:YEAH! TIME TO FRY PLUMBER!  
  
UM:Hey announcer you're up.  
  
Announcer:Oh yeah...AND IN THIS CORNER A VERY DISGRUNTLED SUPER SONIC!  
  
*DING DING DING*  
  
SS:OKAY FATSO, NOBODY CAN SAVE YOU NOW!  
  
Mario:Okey Dokey  
  
SS:STOP DOING THAT...AAAAHHHHHHHHH*CHARGES FULL SPEED*  
  
Mario:HaHa*Jumps away*  
  
SS:Heh..SO WERE GOING TO PLAY IT THAT WAY HUH!  
FINE! I'LL JUST TAKE IT UP A NOTCH!*Charges up for SUPER DASH*  
  
Mario:Hmmm.  
  
UM:Well it looks like mario is going to try something and sonic is still  
charging.  
  
SS:HAH! I'M GOING TO SLICE YOU IN HALF!  
  
UM:Wait something is appearing over marios head.  
  
Mario:Ah-ha  
  
UM:Wow a green block appeared over marios head.  
  
*Mario jumps for the block*  
  
SS:NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU NOW...SUPER...DASH!!!  
  
UM:WOW this is amazing*BOOOOOOM**cough*....WOAH!!!  
Mario...Mario is...  
  
*smoke clears*  
  
UM:THE WINNER...Looks like nothing can beat METAL MARIO  
  
Sonic:uhhhhhh?  
  
UM:and it looks like Sonic is barely alive.  
  
Sonic:I....was so...close.  
  
UM:Yeah you were, but close don't cut it in this fic.  
Well mario what do you have to say.  
  
Mario:(BEEP) you hedgehog!  
  
Sonic:Da..mn  
  
UM:Well Sonic, looks like it's the home for mentally unstable charecters  
for you.  
  
Sonic:I'll...get you...for..th..i..s  
  
UM:Yeah right bubye now.  
  
Producer:Uhh..UM...you need a new co-announcer for the rest of the show.  
What are you going to do.  
  
UM:Well the most logical thing to do is...ASK THE AUDIENCE^_^  
Well see you next time and hopefully we can resolve the isuue,  
with a little bit of help from you of course.  
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Authors' Note:Hope you liked it. I'm going to need a new co-host for  
the fic. So please R+R. Sonic would have wanted it  
that way. Keep on typing.@_@   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Didn't we do this last week?

Chapter 5  
Didn't we do this last week?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
UM:Welcome back action viewers to the glory that is System Deathmatch.  
Last time we had a little trouble, and Sonic went nuts. Well I'm  
pleased to announce his replacement. Please welcome the Dude   
from Down Under...KNUCKLES!!!  
  
Knuckles:G'Day everybody. I hope that I can fill the void where  
Sonic used to be.  
  
UM:I hope so. I have a special treat...to give us better close ups  
and improved interviews is our guy in the sky...TAILS! Let's  
check in on him over the ring.  
  
Tails:This is tails looking over the audience, and everybody looks  
ready for the next match...back to you.  
  
UM:Thanks. Our next match is one of legendary magnitude. Yes i'm  
talking about our favorite titans of time CRONO VS. SERGE.  
  
Knuckles:Yes people will be talking about this one for a while since  
we're adding a little challenge to the match.  
  
UM:Thanks to our ladies in R & D. We were able to make our very  
own...TIME PORTAL!!!  
  
*At the lab*  
  
Lucca:YES. I the great Lucca have once again managed to show   
how great my brilliance really is.  
  
Luccia:Vat do you mean your brilliance. It is my genius that  
makes this possible.  
  
Lucca:No way you hack.  
  
Luccia:Bitch  
  
Lucca:I'll give you a bitch you (Beep)  
  
*Ring*  
  
UM:Those girls are really something special.(Man I need a woman)  
  
Knuckles:Let's see how tails did with the interviews.  
  
Tails:So are you two ready to fight in a swirling mass of time.  
  
Crono:.....  
  
Serge:.....  
  
Tails:Back to you.-.-  
  
UM:*on phone*Yes I know it's tough on you both. Let's see...  
I know how about both of you meet me in my office after  
the show.(SCORE!)Okay bye.  
  
Knuckles:Looks like the match is about to start.  
  
Announcer:IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING IN AT 120 POUNDS THE MASTER OF  
TIME ITSELF CRONO!  
  
*Epoch appears and cron flies out in style*  
  
Announcer:AND IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING 115 POUNDS THE MASTER OF  
FATE SERGE!  
  
*A hole opens in the roof and serge floats onto the ring*  
  
UM:Since we all know these two can't speak we've attached a device  
that can make their thoughts vocal.  
  
Crono:(You're a wimp. You didn't even travel through time)  
  
Serge:(At least I had more than 7 charecters in my game)  
  
*DING DING DING*  
  
UM:Wow. Thanks to Tails we can see better than ever on the screen.  
  
Knuckles:Looks like both are starting off with just normal attacks.  
  
Crono:(Your head is mine)  
  
Serge:(Bite me)*attacks with 6 point combo*  
  
UM:That's the great thing about serge he can attack 6 at a time.  
  
*Crono launches lightning*  
  
Knuckles:The thing about crono though, is that he can use magic   
whenever he wants. Serge has to keep attacking to  
build magic points.  
  
UM:Here's the best part. The portal below them has been set to  
take the losers body to the end of time. So whether their   
alive or not is not my problem.  
  
Knuckles:AMAZING!  
  
UM:O_o  
  
Knuckles:What?  
  
UM:You sound like Crocodile Hunter.  
  
Knuckles:I do not  
  
UM:Do to.  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
Serge:(Shoot this isn't working....GOOD. now I have at least enough for  
Luminare.)  
  
Crono:(Uh Serge)  
  
Serge:(What?)  
  
Crono:(I can hear you.)  
  
Serge:(BEEP)(Fine then. Block this if you can)  
  
UM:Holy Lightning Bolts Knuckles.They're both going to cast Luminare.  
  
Tails:WHOA! It's getting bright down here. I'm backing out.  
  
Knuckles:This is not how my career was supposed to end.  
  
UM:Don't worry. In my fic. most civlians stay safe.^_^  
  
Knuckles:Oy Vae.  
  
*Luminares make contact. Stadium starts shaking.*  
  
UM:Oh MAN. I'll lose my cleaning deposit for sure.  
  
Knuckles:I think they both stopped.  
  
*Ring virtually destroyed. Crono and Serge each trying to push each other over.*  
  
Serge:(You can't beat me. I clearly have the stonger magic)  
  
Crono:(You do have a lot of power...but that doesn't make you the winner)  
  
Serge:(What do you mean.)  
  
Crono:(You'll have to attack me again to get it back.)  
  
Serge:(So.....Ohh CRAP).  
  
Crono:(Bye Bye)^-^*Casts Luminare*  
  
Serge:(NOOOOOOOOOO)*Flies into portal*  
  
Crono:(Say hi to Spekkio for me)  
  
UM:It looks like Crono is the winner!  
  
Knuckles:AMAZING!  
  
UM:Oh man. Well see all of you next time when Tails, Knuckles, and I  
cover the next great match GANON VS. SEPHIROTH. Until then I've  
got two scientists to talk to. See you.*Leaves*  
  
Tails:That guy really needs to get a life.  
  
Knuckles:You said it.  
  
*ZAP*  
  
Tails:Hey UM how did you get here. You're in your office.  
  
UM:I've come from 30 minutes in the future. You've got to stop him.  
It's a trick so Lucca and Luccia can.....  
  
Present UM:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Future:Ahh Crap. Don't worry it will only hurt for a while.  
  
*end********************************************************************************************  
  
Note:Sorry if it seemed like forever. I was on vacation. As always R and R.  
The future of the fic depends on it. Keep on typing.^-^   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. The Diet-Coke of Evil

Chapter 6  
THE DIET COKE OF EVIL!  
  
  
  
  
  
UM:Muwahahahahahahah! Hello and welcome back to SYSTEM DEATHMATCH!  
Today is going to be extra special.  
  
Knuckles:Why?  
  
UM:The producers are going to give me*Woosh*ONE MILLION DOLLARS-.-  
if I can make the theme of of the show like the match.  
  
Knuckles:And what exactly is that supposed to be.  
  
UM:A deathmatch of EEEEEEEVVVVIIIILLLL!  
  
Knuckles:O_o  
  
UM:So all the staff today has to act very evil, or we don't get the money.  
  
Knuckles:I can do that. I used to be very evil in two of the sonic games.  
  
UM:I wouldn't call that evil.  
  
Knuckles:What would it be then?  
  
UM:I'd call it mischevous.  
  
Knuckles:No way, it is totally evil.  
  
UM:Yeah right, but what are we going to do about tails.  
  
Knuckles:What do you mean?  
  
UM:He's not exactly the Dr. Evil of evil....I GOT IT! HEY TAILS.  
  
Tails:Hey UM, what's up.  
  
UM:I need you to do something for me.  
  
Tails:Ooooohhhhhh what what what what?  
  
UM:I need you to go to ICELAND.  
  
Tails:Iceland?  
  
Knuckles:Iceland?  
  
Audience:Iceland?  
  
UM:Yeah ICELAND.  
  
Tails:Why?  
  
UM:To uhhh....get me a new ice maker.  
  
Knuckles:-_-(Tails can't be dumb enough to fall for that)  
  
Tails:Okay  
  
Knuckles:D'oh  
  
UM:Bye tails.^_^  
  
Knuckles:That was very wrong.  
  
UM:I know. hee hee hee.  
  
Knuckles:I guess we should get started then.  
  
UM:Okay. Todays match is a very...EVIL match with the  
diabolical demons of dementia.(Say that five times fast)  
GANON VS. SEPHIROTH  
  
Knuckles:Unfortunately you just sent away our interviewer.  
  
Meanwhile in Iceland*  
  
Tails:Where do people keep icemakers?  
Maybe AAA would know.  
  
UM:Don't worry I got some tapes of them earlier.  
  
Knuckles:Let me guess...EVIL tapes?  
  
UM:How'd you know. HA HA HA HA HA!!!  
  
Sephiroths Tape-  
  
Sephy:Be careful. I couldn't stand the job you did last time.  
  
Stylist:Oh Puh-lease, it isn't my fault you get frizz every morning.  
  
Sephy:HEY. What I do every night is none of your business...hey what  
are doing with that camera. GET OUT YOU*BZZZZZZZZ*  
  
Knuckles:Words can not describe how disturbed I feel now.  
  
UM:You think that was bad, wait till you see Ganon.  
  
Ganons' Tape-  
  
UM:I am now in Ganons' dressing room for an interview.  
  
Ganon:Whoops where'd that towel go.  
  
UM:AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!*Runs Away*  
  
Ganon:Hey! Can you go get someone to fix the toilet.  
*  
  
UM:Next time I'm going to need to knock first eh knuckles...  
uuhhh knuckles.  
  
Knuckles:*Scrubbing*O_O Still not clean...Still not pure...Still tainted.  
  
UM:Now that we're done with that evil...if not disgusting footage. Let's  
get ready for the fight.  
  
ANNOUNCER:IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 150 POUNDS THE GENETIC PRODUCT  
WITH THE HUGE SWORD...SEPHIROTH.  
  
*Sephiroth shows his cool by floating onto the ring*  
  
ANNOUNCER:AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 300 POUNDS THE TERROR  
OF HYRULE...GANON.  
  
*Ganon lumbers on the ring breaking the door in the process*  
  
*DING DING DING*  
  
UM:Sephiroth will be using his deviously popular EVIL sword Masamune.  
  
Knuckles:I'm surprised you know that.  
  
UM:Don't forget that i'm a huge fan of the FF series.  
  
Knuckles:Even the movie.  
  
UM:HEY! DON'T KNOCK THE MOVIE! Sure there were a few issues with it,  
but the soul of FF was with it.*SOB*IT WASN'T THEIR FFFAAAAAAUUUUUUULLLLLLT!  
  
Knuckles:Now that was evil heh heh heh.  
  
UM:Hey you're right, good job.(You prick)Ganon of the N64 version will be   
using some very HUGE AND EVIL BLADES.  
  
Seph:Prepare to become my dinner.  
  
Ganon:Here, have some of this instead.*Swipes at Seph.*  
  
Seph:*Slash**Whoosh**Clang*I will not be beaten by a beast!  
  
*Both end up in Gridlock*  
  
UM:Feel free to play any suspenseful fight music with this one folks.  
  
Seph:DIE!YAAAAAAHHHHHHH*Sword hits Ganon, but fails to penetrate*What the!  
  
Ganon:HAH! IN THIS BODY MY ARMOR CANNOT BE PIERCED BY ANY SWORD!  
  
Seph:Holy Crap!  
  
Ganon:Cue ring of fire and lightning effects!  
  
*Room goes dark and the ring catches fire*  
  
Knuckles:Woah! Those are EVIL looking effects.  
  
UM:*On phone*Uhh yes I was wondering if our insurance covers ring fires.  
  
Seph:FIRE 3! BOLT 3! ICE 3!*All hitting Ganon with minimal effect*  
  
Ganon:OOOOHHHHH Tingly. Now bleed!*Does some nasty sword stabs and swipes*  
  
UM:Wow if only sephiroth knew Ganons weakness.  
  
Knuckles:How can he not, it's pulsating in front of him.  
  
UM:Uhhhh really?  
  
Knuckles:His tail you gutterbrain.  
  
UM:I knew that.  
  
Seph:Wow that tail is beating rally hard.  
  
Ganon:That's what happens when it gets to hot.  
  
Seph:Let me remove it for you then.YAAHHH  
  
Ganon:EEEPPP!*Swings around very fast*Nah Nah. You'll never  
catch my tail.  
  
UM:Man this is getting out of control.  
  
Knuckles:In a few minutes there won't be a ring left to fight in.  
  
Ganon:Uuuhhhh Sephiroth.  
  
Seph:Shut up and fight.  
  
Ganon:Your hair's on fire.  
  
Seph:EEEEEPPPPPP.PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!  
  
UM:How will Ganon react to the situation.  
  
Ganon:*Begins to slice and dice sephiroth*There no more hair problems.  
  
Announcer:GANON IS THE WINNER.  
  
Producer:Mr. UM. You have done a good job in doing an evil show.  
  
UM:Thank you sir. Can I have my money now?  
  
Producer:Sure. Let's see after deducting from damages you get...ten bucks.  
  
UM:v_v Screwed again.  
  
Knuckles:Hey want to get an ice cream?  
  
UM:No thanks  
  
Tails:Hey I found an icemaker.  
  
UM:Good for you tails.  
  
Tails:but I need ten bucks to send for the cover charge.  
  
UM:WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHH*SOB SOB SOB*  
  
Knuckles:Don't worry folks. He'll be back to normal soon. So be rady for the  
next match X VS. SAMUS. See you soon.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Note:I wish I had ten bucks. Please review. Otherwise i'll have to let my  
evil twin write the story from now on. 


	7. How much is that cannon in the window?

Chapter 7  
How Much is That Cannon in the Window.  
  
UM:Long time no see action readers. Welcome to another  
episode of system deathmatch.  
  
Knuckles:You mean everybody can start reading again?  
  
UM:I guess.  
  
Knuckles:THANK GOD!!! The icemaker tails got was  
starting to break down, not to mention my  
sanity.  
  
UM:On top of that our informational computer has been on   
the fritz. That's why i've added a new member to the  
R+D team. May I introduce greatest mind from the   
Tenchi Muyo series Professor Washu.  
  
Knuckles:Is that legal.  
  
UM:What do you mean.  
  
Knuckles:I mean...is it okay to bring in a charecter from  
a totally different fic category.  
  
UM:C'mon humor me, it was either her, or Dr. Wily.(shivers)  
So please humor me on this.  
  
Knuckles:You know that we're going to have to stretch the  
budget further to afford her.  
  
UM:On the contrary, I was able to get her for free.  
  
Tails:How'd you do that?  
  
UM:I promised her full use of our equipment, and that knuckles   
volunteer for her experiments once and a while.  
  
Knuckles:Whatyoutalkingabout.  
  
UM:Don't worry about it.  
  
Knuckles:But  
  
UM:I SAID don't worry about it.  
  
Knuckles:This is gonna bite major wind.  
  
UM:Let's see how washu is doing with the computer. How are you doing   
Washu.  
  
Washu:Well givin the fact that this computer is hardly up  
to my standards, I was able to find out what's going   
on.  
  
UM:and that would be?  
  
Washu:If this virus isn't purged soon you're computer is going   
to start blowing up.  
  
UM:O_O  
  
Washu:^_^Don't worry about it. With my genius at work i'll  
fix the problem in no time...oh and could you send  
down knuckles please?  
  
UM:Sure no prob.Bye.  
  
Knuckles:Don't I get a say in this?  
  
UM:No. A word of advice...just keep your eyes closed.  
You don't want to see what she can do to you.  
  
Knuckles:Crrrraaaap.*leaves*  
  
UM:Looks like this is a good time for the labs dynamic duo  
Lucca and Luccia to show off their new invention.  
  
Lucca:Yes. Thanks to our great minds, and a little help from  
Norstein Beckler, we were able to make a clone of knuckles.  
  
UM:Wow. Let's see it.*Clone appears*  
  
Clone:Let's...get...it...on.  
  
UM:Uhhh Lucca?  
  
Lucca:Hey it's a clone, not a conversation peice.  
  
UM:This is what 300 a week gets you to make?  
  
Lucca:Let's start seeing some cash, then we'll talk quality.Bye.  
  
UM:v_vOkay readers, despite the technical problems we're having  
let's try to start this fight.  
  
Clone:Yes...let's.  
  
UM:Today's cybernetic clash is between the blue bomber of tomorrow X  
versus a lontime veteran femme fighter Samus Aran.  
  
Clone:Yes.  
  
UM:O_oUhhh. Let's go see tails and his interview with the fighters.  
  
Tails:I'm here with X and Samus, now samus what are your plans for  
the upcoming fight.  
  
Samus:All I can say is i'm gonna beat his big blue brains out.  
  
X:You're all talk. Without that suit you're nothing.  
  
Samus:You talk like a girl!  
  
X:You are a girl!  
  
Tails:There you have it. Two fighters that are acting very wierd.  
  
UM:*sigh*I need a vacation. Okay clone the fights ready to go.  
  
Clone:AUTHOR MUST DIE!  
  
UM:What the...?  
  
*Meanwhile in Washus' Lab*  
  
Knuckles:*Strapped down*Uhhh Washu shouldn't you be concentrating  
on the virus.  
  
Washu:Don't worry, I was able to trap it into a single database.  
  
Knuckles:What sort of database.  
  
Washu:Ohhh just a metal dummy I saw in the closet. As long as it isn't   
turned on there shouldn't be a problem.  
  
UM:AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Knuckles:What was that?  
  
Washu:Nothing. Now which probe would you like me to use...the rod, the drill  
or BOTH!  
  
Knuckles:AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!   
  
*At the ring*  
  
Announcer:IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING 110 POUNDS. THE MISS OF METROID BUSTING...  
SAMUS ARAN!!!  
  
*Samus enters by slowly phasing into the ring*  
  
Samus:They got nothin' on me.   
  
Announcer:AND IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING 250 POUNDS. THE BLUE BOMBER OF TOMORROW  
MEGA MAN X!!!  
  
*X appears in full armor*  
  
X:CHEESE!  
  
Tails:This is starting to get wierd.  
  
*DING DING DING*  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
UM:What am I going to do? I can't stay in this closet forever. I need a weapon  
of some kind. It's times like this I wish I built an armory.  
  
Clone:AUTHOR...MUST...DIE!!!  
  
UM:EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!  
  
*Back at the ring*  
  
X:Suck on this.*Fires chrged shots*  
  
Samus: HA! You can't hit me in ball mode.*Curls up into ball*  
  
X:Damn...I didn't want to do this till later but....  
  
Samus:C'mon girly voice. Hit me with your best shot.  
  
X:UUUURRRGGGHHHH FINE! NOVA STRIKE!  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
UM:*huff puff* If I can just reach the emergancy hatch at the roof i'll  
be okay.  
  
Clone:I...DON'T...THINK...SO...BUD!  
  
UM:I WANT MY MOMMY!  
  
X:Ugh..Where is she?  
  
Samus:SURPRISE*Fires ice beam*  
  
X:NO...*Gets frozen*  
  
Samus:Giving me the cold shoulder already Heh.  
  
Tails:Where's UM? He'd usually comment about that very bad joke.  
  
Samus:Time to say goodbye.  
  
X:NO...IT...ISN'T!*Breaks Out*  
  
Tails:Well this fight is going to end soon, and nobody has announced it.  
  
WWWAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
Tails:Hey I recognize that high pitch voice it's UM. He's on the roof scaffolds.  
  
UM:*Sob Sob Sob*I'm cutting R+Ds' funds if I live through this.  
  
Clone:READY...TO...DIE?  
  
UM:I think not.*Knocks clone off with loose pipe*  
  
Clone:Oh...(Beep)*Crashes into the ring*  
  
X:What the?  
  
Samus:This is messed up...let's kill it.  
  
X:Okay.  
  
*Blasts clone to pieces.*  
  
Samus:Well that was satisfying.  
  
X:Yeah...Hey samus.  
  
Samus:What?  
  
X:THINK FAST!*KABOOOOM*They always fall for that.  
  
UM:Well I guess X is the winner for this one.  
  
Knuckles:And I guess you'll wish that clone killed you.  
  
UM:Hey look everyone...Knuckles is still alive.   
  
Tails:And I escaped unharmed. Who's the dumb one now huh?  
  
UM:*grumble*Thanks for putting up with the technical difficulties.  
See you next time for our next death defying deathmatch. Cecil VS. Nall.  
  
Kill...Author.  
  
UM:Dear god!O_O  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Note:Wow it's been crazy. I'm just glad I can post and read from the site again.  
In case you forgot(kidding)...Send in your reviews that will determine the fate  
of our contenders. Let's hope that this never happens again.^_^  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. They use bleach.

Episode 8  
They use bleach.  
  
UM:Wow loyal readers. So far it's been a exciting if not nutty season  
of system deathmatch.  
  
Knuckles:and I bet it's gonna get worse right?  
  
UM:Are you psychic or something?  
  
Knuckles:I have something called common sense.  
  
UM:Whoa! Can you show me how to use it?  
  
Knuckles:o_OMaybe later.   
  
UM:Today's battle involves two charecters with white hair.  
  
Knuckles:Are you sure washu didn't just bleach them?  
  
Washu::P.A:I heard that!  
  
Knuckles:Eeep.  
  
UM:If anyone is listening, today's fighters are going to be Cecil VS. Nall  
  
Knuckles:Cecil from?  
  
UM:Final Fantasy 4.  
  
Knuckles:and Nall from?  
  
UM:Lunar 1 and 2.  
  
Knuckles:I have nothing to say about this.  
  
UM:That's a first.  
  
Knuckles:Just get tails on before someone gets hurt.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Tails:Well cecil, how does it feel to be put back in the spotlight after   
so many years.  
  
Cecil:You mean I wasn't.  
  
Tails:Uhhh well nall, are you ready to fight to the death? Even though  
nobody has ever seen you fight, and you were only a human in the  
2nd.  
  
Nall:I'M NOT! Some guy drugged me and stuffed me in a garbage bag  
  
UM::From booth:DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Knuckles:Is there ever a time when you don't stuff a person in a garbage bag?  
  
UM:Oh please. You've done plenty of rotton things to sonic.  
  
Announcer:IN THIS CORNER...  
  
UM:Now look, were missing the announcer.  
  
Announcer:THE REFURBISHED ICON OF YESTERDAY...CECIL.  
  
:With a flash of light cecil appears:  
  
Cecil:Hey I still got it.  
  
Announcer:AND IN THIS CORNER...ANOTHER...REDONE GUY/DRAGON WHATEVER...NALL  
  
:Nall comes in his white cat form.:  
  
Cecil:This is my opponent?  
  
Nall:Wait a second....Ah shoot.  
  
UM:He can't seem to transform into a human.  
  
Nall:Wait a sec...I can do this.  
  
Cecil:Hurry up.  
  
Nall:This never happens back home.  
  
Cecil:Where do you live.  
  
Nall:The moon.  
  
Cecil:Hey I went to the moon to.  
  
UM:Ahhh crap.  
  
Nall:What did it look like?  
  
Cecil:It looked like someone puked on it.  
  
UM:HEY GUYS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING!  
  
Cecil:Look I can't fight a white cat.  
  
UM:Then have him be a dragon.  
  
Nall:I can do that.  
  
:Nall now turns into a dragon that could fill half the ring.:  
  
Knuckles:I hope the audience doesn't suffocate.  
  
Cecil:Hey time out.  
  
UM:What now?  
  
Cecil:This seems a little unfair.  
  
UM:How so?  
  
Cecil:He's a huge dragon.  
  
UM:So? I had pikachu go against Nemesis and that was all right.  
  
Knuckles:Pikachu got chopped into pieces.  
  
UM:Oh yeah...hmmmm.  
  
Knuckles:Oh what now?  
  
UM:I'm clueless.  
  
Everybody:O_O  
  
Voice:Then let me take a whack at it!  
  
Knuckles:What the?  
  
UM:It's cid.  
  
Knuckles:Uhh which one?  
  
UM:Let's see goggles, beard, keen interest in solving problems without swearing,  
it must be cid from FF 4.  
  
Knuckles:Looks like someone needs a new hobby.  
  
Cecil:Hey cid, think you can solve this dilemma?  
  
Cid:I have in my hands an elixer that will solve all your problems. Here drink it.  
  
Cecil:Well it's not like you were ever wrong before so ok.:drinks potion:  
  
UM:Hey cid what is the potion made.  
  
Cid:Well after some experimentation I was able to make a potion that could cause  
a person to grow from base height.  
  
UM:But couldn't you have just shrunk nall with a mini spell or something?  
  
Cid:Ohhh...I guess so.  
  
Cecil:CCCIIIIIIDDDD!:Cecil starts to grow...except his clothes:  
  
UM:OH GOD!  
  
Knuckles:I think i've gone blind.  
  
UM:Hey washu, teleport big guy here some clothes.  
  
Washu:Sure...Glad i'm not there.  
  
UM:Don't push it.:Clothes appear on cecil.:  
  
Cecil:I guess we can fight now.  
  
Nall:OK!....DIE!!*Fires dragon breath*  
  
Cecil:UUURRRGGGHHH! How unfortunate for you that I brought my....  
  
Nall:What?  
  
Cecil:I LOST MY SWORD!  
  
UM:I guess it snapped off after you grew.  
  
Knuckles:Was it Ragnarok.  
  
Cecil:YES.  
  
Knuckles:Ooohhh. That must have been a downer.  
  
Cecil:Guess it's back to basics.*suckerpunches nall*  
  
Nall:Oowwww that's it!*Bites cecil*  
  
Cecil:Aaacckk. Now i'll probably need a rabies shot.  
  
Nall:I do NOT have rabies!  
  
Cecil:The way your face looks, how could I tell?  
  
Nall:YOU JERK!  
  
UM:Wow I think I need earplugs with all this yelling.  
  
Knuckles:WHAT?  
  
UM:Cut it out knuckles that isn't funny.  
  
Knuckles:WHAT?  
  
Cecil:Ha Ha. With my superior stength I won't...hey what the.  
  
Cid:Oh that's another thing, the potion doesn't last very long.  
  
Cecil:Cid you prick.  
  
UM:Woah talk about OOC.  
  
Nall:Well well well.  
  
Cecil:Ahhh (BEEP)*Sees ragnarok*eh heh.  
  
Nall:I think i'll have you for lunch.  
  
UM:Is everybody OOC today.  
  
Knuckles:I think I wet myself.  
  
UM:O_O  
  
Cecil:Ragnarok don't fail me now.*Throws sword at nall*  
  
Nall:Aaaaauuuuggghhhhh!  
  
Cecil:When it comes to swords Ragnarok is the best. By my standards at least.  
  
UM:I've seen better.  
  
Nall:This is...the last time...I do...cameos.*Dies*  
  
UM:Well knuckles I guess that wraps up another....uhhh knuckles. Hey  
ther's a note.  
  
Dear UM,  
I had to borrow knuckles for a while, you know the drill.  
  
Washu.^_^  
  
UM:A perfect end to a perfect day. I guess it's so long for now.  
If you didn't know anything about the charecters or games  
presented today then...look it up. you're using the internet   
after all. Tune in next time when our man in tights Link  
faces newcomer demon Machiaval. Later.^_^  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sorry if this was a bit confusing. That's the last time I listen to a fruit vendor.  
Just kidding. So send in your reviews telling link to win. Man even I know how   
predictable this is. Soon i'll be adding onto my name, as soon as I think of it.  
oh and of course "Keep on reading" 


	9. GO! LINK! GO!

Episode 9  
GO! LINK! GO!  
  
Tails:Hello everyone. Welcome back to System Deathmatch. UM and Knuckles are   
busy getting everything ready for the season finale so i'm going to  
be your announcer....Here's a note from UM.  
  
Tails,   
Since your announcer today, make sure you get a partner to assist  
you. Treat your partner the same way I would and try to act  
professional. Make sure nothing gets trashed until we get back.  
I'm sure you can do it.  
  
UM  
  
P.S: Above all else, make sure Link wins or a bloodthirsty  
fan club will kill us all. ^_^  
  
Rob Schneider:*in his accent*You can do it tails.  
  
Tails:Man i'm here for only 5 minutes and rob schneiders already  
bugging me.  
  
Rob:Fine. I can take a hint.*leaves*  
  
Tails:APPARENTLY YOU CAN'T!(sigh) Now to get a partner. Hmmmmm.  
I know.*Dials phone.* Hello I thought since your friend  
is fighting today, you would want to help announce it  
with me. You will, thanks bye.*hangs up* She should be here  
soon.  
  
High voice:HHHHEEEEELLLLLOOOOO!  
  
Tails:Aaahhh! You scared me navi.  
  
Navi:I'm just so excited that you called me.  
  
Tails:Why?  
  
Navi:Very few people voluntarily call me for help, so this was a great   
surprise.  
  
Tails:Oh.(Oh my god what have I done.)  
  
Navi:So which one of my friends is fighting?  
  
Tails:*gulp*Link.  
  
Navi:WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT! My link is going to fight!?  
  
Tails:That's what the schedule says.  
  
Navi:What kind of fight is this?  
  
Tails:Uuuhhhh...a pillow fight?  
  
Navi:Now's not a good time to piss me off.  
  
Tails:oooohhh.....Deathmatch.  
  
Navil:THAT'S INSANE!  
  
Tails:(You're one to talk.) Don't worry. I was told to make sure link  
wins.  
  
Navi:Ohhhh...*phew* okay. So who's he fighting?  
  
Tails:Let's see...hmmm...aw shoot.  
  
Navi:What?  
  
Tails:It's the Demon Lord of darkness Machiaval from the Playstation 2  
game Summoner.  
  
Navi:Heard it before with ganon. Seems there's nothing to worry about.  
  
Tails:Let's see....crud.  
  
Navi:What now?  
  
Tails:He's a shapeshifter that can create monsters to attack his opponent,  
and...he's purple.  
  
Navi:Is that it?  
  
Tails:I'm not sure? We weren't able to get a complete list of his abilities.  
  
Navi:I'm sure it'll be alright. If not i'll make sure it will be.  
  
Tails:Well here they come.  
  
Announcer:IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 150 POUNDS. THE HERO OF TIME...  
LINK!  
  
*Like in SSB link enters via teleportation*  
  
Announcer:AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 500 POUNDS. THE DEMON OF  
DARKNESS...MACHIAVAL!  
  
*In a blaze of black fire and smoke machiaval appears.*  
  
Tails:Eeep. It looks like link is outsized.  
  
Navi:Then do something mr. pro.  
  
Link:I've beat trash far worse than you.  
  
Machiaval:Suck it.  
  
*Link strikes with Biggoron's sword, while mach. uses his very huge fists and legs  
to attack*  
  
Link:UUUUAAAAHHH!  
  
Navi:My poor linky.  
  
Tails:Shoot I gotta do something. Navi go get a weapon.  
  
Navi:O-kay ^_^  
  
Tails:Well people link is barely holding his own, while i'm going to make   
sure that changes.  
  
Navi:I'm bbbaaaaacccckkk.  
  
Tails:Fine fine....WHAT THE HELL!? *oops*  
  
Navi:What...this isn't enough?  
  
Tails:IT'S AN H-BOMB!  
  
Navi:^_^ I know. It looked so big so I thought this would be fine.  
  
Tails:It's official, you're nuts.  
  
Navi:Let's just blow up big purple there and end it.  
  
Tails:I'd like to think we can stay alive as well.O_O  
  
Navi:Well i'm off.  
  
Tails:I need a new job.V_V  
  
Mach.:Well boy looks like it's time for you to die. HA HA HA  
  
Navi:Hmm...right here.*drops bomb*  
  
Mach:HA HA *gulp* whaa  
  
Tails:AAAAHHHhh O_O  
  
Navi:Wha-oh  
  
Mach:I don't feel so good*BBBBUUUUUrrrrppppp*  
  
Link:Whhhoooo what died in your stomach?  
  
Tails:Hey link, big demon there should have his guts blown now so  
get him.  
  
Link:Alright. KYAAAAAHHHHHH! *slashes Mach.*  
  
Mach:But I didn't feel it explode....oh #$%^&*@  
  
Tails:HE'S GONNA BLOW. RUN FOR IT!  
  
*BOOOOOOOOM*  
  
Navi:Link are you okay?  
  
Link:NAVI? I told you not to call me anymore.  
  
Navi:Aww but link, how can I go on without you.  
  
Link:Easy get a life.  
  
Tails:Looks like i'm staying late tonight.  
  
UM:*PA* Hey tails were done and we're coming back in an hour.  
  
Tails:Fine I guess.  
  
UM:Good see you then bye.*click*  
  
Tails:I'm seeing my agent after this. Well people, come back for  
our season finale. Solid Snake VS. Bowser. It's going to be  
a literal blast. and you won't be dissapointed either.  
see ya.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well it's like they say. I don't know it, but I do know the season is drawing   
to a close. I am goin to go all out with it and I hope you come back to enjoy  
it. Read, Review, Vote. I am expecting a good turnout. Keep on reading. ^_^ 


	10. SEASON FINALE

Episode 10  
SEASON FINALE ^_^  
  
Announcer:IN THE BEGINNING, UNIVERSE MASTER ZEE DECLARED A DEATHMATCH WITH  
GAME CHARECTERS. THESE CHARECTERS FOUGHT, TO WHICH HE REPLIED...  
  
UM:It is very good. Welcome loyal fans to the season finale of   
system deathmatch. With me is my co-star since episode 5  
Knuckles.  
  
Knuckles:v_v. Thanks, that makes me feel real special.  
  
UM:Are you being sarcastic again.  
  
Knuckles:Nooooo.  
  
UM:In any case...I think it is appropriate that we all have a   
moment of silence for the people involved in the WTC.  
attack.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
UM:Now...with that done we may now commence with the big event.  
  
Knuckles:We spared no expense for this.  
  
UM:I'm proud that we were to make it this far.  
  
Knuckles:I'm surprised to.  
  
UM:We have plenty of other surprises for you.  
  
Knuckles:I wasn't told of this.  
  
UM:^_^ I know. I wanted to make sure you didn't wreck it.  
  
Knuckles:Look, you may have it all high in mighty in authorland,  
but I want to make sure that I get out of your stupid  
finale in one piece.  
  
UM:U_U(sniff)  
  
Knuckles:What?  
  
UM:You can insult the guests, you can insult me, but when  
you insult the fic, you're indirectly kneeing me in   
the groin.*SOB*  
  
Knuckles:I had no idea you felt this way.  
  
UM:U_U...Authors have feelings to you know.  
  
Knuckles:I'm.....sorry.  
  
UM:Good...now as I was saying, as a special treat I invited all  
the previous winners back to the show.  
  
Knuckles:You...did...what?  
  
UM:You heard me.  
  
Knuckles:You're wrong. You authors have no feelings. Cause if you  
did, you'd realize that we charecters have feelings too.  
And I feel that THIS IS INSANE!  
  
UM:We're you dropped as a child?   
  
Knuckles:Why do I even try?  
  
UM:The problem is, most of them didn't want to come.  
  
Knuckles:Why?  
  
UM:Let's see...  
  
Lara Croft:Restraining order.  
  
Nemesis:Decapitated.(Don't ask why.)  
  
Mario:Ate to much.  
  
Link:Dissapered with Navi.  
  
Cecil:Vanished into history.  
  
Knuckle:So that leaves us with.  
  
UM:Crono, Ganon, and X.  
  
Knuckles:How did you pull this off?  
  
UM:For another probe session with you, Washu teleprted them here.  
  
Knuckles:Is that all I am to you, a probe toy for washu?  
  
UM:She would've taken tails, but he's cuter than you.  
  
Knuckles:O_O  
  
UM:I'm sorry, but it's true.  
  
Knuckles:Let's just continue.  
  
UM:So guys, ready to see some mayhem?  
  
All:Yeah!  
  
Ganon:Does this place have snacks?  
  
UM:Yeah, it's down the hall.  
  
Ganon:Yummy*leaves*  
  
Knuckles:Doesn't take much to please him huh?  
  
X:Just make sure you don't have burritos.  
  
UM:Why?  
  
Crono:(We had taco bell for lunch before we came and...)  
  
Knuckles:Let me guess, he stunk up the place.  
  
X:Words could not describe the caos that ensued.  
  
UM:Uh-oh.O_O  
  
Knuckles:Don't tell me.  
  
UM:Yeah. Today is mexican day in the cafeteria.  
  
Security:Sir, ganon is eating all the food in the cafeteria.  
  
UM:Hey washu, how long do you think we have till he blows.  
  
Washu:At the rate he's eating, about 15 minutes.  
  
UM:Let's make this quick then. Our final match of the season is   
Bowser Vs. Solid Snake.  
  
Announcer:IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING 350 POUNDS, THE TURTLE TYRANT OF  
MUSHROOM KINGDOM...BOWSER!  
  
*A giant pipe appears in the ring, and bowser pops out*  
  
Bowser:I hope you people appreciate this. I gave up a kidnapping plan  
to come here.  
  
Announcer:AND IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING 175 POUNDS, THE SOLDIER OF THE  
FUTUTRE(and star of MGS2 coming soon yay.)SOLID SNAKE!  
  
UM:Uhhh I don't see anything.  
  
*A box appears.*  
  
Knuckles:What's with the box.  
  
UM:geez.V_V. Snake, we discussed this earlier, no hiding in the box.  
  
Snake:But he's frickin' huge. If I hide he won't see me.  
  
Knuckles:That's a bit unlikly.  
  
Bowser:I don't think he's here yet. Could someone get this box out of here.  
  
Knuckles:O_O;  
  
UM:C'mon snake, we agreed on this.  
  
Snake:No we didn't. You drugged me, and stuffed me in a garbage bag.  
  
Knuckles:Is this how you get all your guests here.  
  
UM:No.  
  
Knuckles:Really?  
  
UM:Really...Sometimes I use a crate.^_^  
  
Knuckles:O.O*facefault*  
  
Bowser:Look is snake going to get here?  
  
Snake:I'm right here you moron.  
  
Bowser:WOW! The box talked.  
  
Snake:*facefault*No i'm inside the box.  
  
Bowser:Oh I knew that.  
  
*DING DING DING*  
  
UM:There they go. Snake is using a machine gun, but bowser's shell  
seems to be blocking it.  
  
Bowser:HA HA HA! Nothing can dent my perfect shell.  
  
Snake:Let's find out.*Brings out grenade launcher.*  
  
Bowser:Try it!  
  
UM:Oh my god.*BOOM*  
  
Knuckles:Was that a grenade?  
  
X:No worse. Ganon just ripped one.  
  
Crono:(RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!)  
  
Bowser:What's that wierd cloud.  
  
UM:If any of you have gas masks, put them on now.  
  
Snake:Ha. Lucky me.  
  
UM:My god this stench is terrible.  
  
Knuckles:It's worse than you at a buffet.  
  
UM:Yeah...HEY!  
  
Bowser:*cough cough* I can't...breathe.  
  
X:It's times like this i'm glad I can shut my nose off.  
  
Crono:(Even lavos would be powerless.)  
  
UM:Someone get a match.  
  
Bowser:I can use my fire breath.  
  
All:NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!  
  
*KKKKKAAAAABBBBOOOOOMMMM*  
  
UM:Whoa. I bet this happens all the time with him.  
  
Knuckles:Let's be careful. Ganon is still loaded with bean curd.  
  
Snake:All right hothead.*pulls out rocket launcher.*  
  
Voice:no wait i'm trapped in here.  
  
Snake:What the...  
  
Bowser:Quiet toadstool.  
  
UM:Bowser, did you kidnap princess toadstool again.  
  
Bowser:I told you I was in the middle of a kidnapping.  
  
Toadstool:You should set your priorities straight.  
  
Knuckles:Does this mean mario is going to come save her.  
  
Mario:YAHOO!  
  
UM:I guess.  
  
Bowser:Not now mario, i'm the middle of something here.  
  
Mario:Huh?  
  
UM:Sorry mario, you're going to have to soit this one out.  
  
Snake:Don't worry plumber boy, i'll get her back.  
  
Mario:Mommamia!  
  
UM:Hey mario, you can eat at the cafeteria while you wait.  
  
Mario:Yippe!*runs off*  
  
Knuckles:Geezus man have you gone nutz.  
  
UM:He looked hungry.  
  
Knuckles:What do you think will happen now that mario is partaking of the   
bean dip along with mario.  
  
UM:I'm sure we don't want to know.  
  
Bowser:Alright soldier boy take this.*Jumps high*  
  
UM:Woah man. he's going to flip snake out of the ring.  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Snake:CCCRRRRAAAAAPPPPP.  
  
UM:How unoriginal.  
  
Bowser:What do you mean?  
  
UM:Nemesis did the relativly same thing to pikachu.  
  
Bowser:Well here's the difference. When snake lands, i'll have him crash   
on my spikey shell that will rip him to pieces.  
  
UM:I guess that's fine.  
  
Knuckles:Except if snake has a parachute.  
  
UM:Does he have one.  
  
Knuckles:Look and see.  
  
*Snake glides away from bowser with his parachute.*  
  
Bowser:Son of a goomba.  
  
UM:That's unusual.  
  
Snake:I saw what bowser can do. I've played all the mario games.  
  
Toadstool:Could you hurry up. The airs getting bad in here.  
  
UM:God bowser, not you too.  
  
Bowser:It's a perfectly normal body function.  
  
UM:Yeah but you don't admit it like that.  
  
Knuckles:We may have to relocate after this.  
  
Snake:Now die yurtle.  
  
Bowser:How dare you associate me with a kiddie book.  
  
Snake:If I can defeat metal gear, I can definately beat you.  
  
Bowser:Well if I can lose to mario so many times that it's not  
funny anymore...uhh wait a minute.  
  
UM:Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!  
  
Knuckles:You just riffed yourself Heh Heh.  
  
X:How long have you been a villan?  
  
Bowser:Shut up! It's just a bad luck streak.  
  
Crono:(There are other things you can do besides, kidnaping  
the princess.)  
  
UM:It's funny. You have the potential to be a better villian.  
  
Knuckles:Think of this as a way to show how great a villan you  
can be.  
  
Bowser:You're right. It's time to KICK SOME @$$.  
  
UM:Now maybe we can see some real fighting.  
  
Knuckles:Hey UM, something isn't right.  
  
UM:What?  
  
Knuckles:Well the paper said mario couldn't show up because he ate to  
much, but when he showed up to save the princess, he was just  
fine.  
  
UM:Yeah, that is wierd.  
  
Security.Sir something terrible is happening.  
  
UM:Dear god what now?  
  
Security:Someone passed out all the mexican food to the audience.  
  
Knuckles:WHAT?  
  
Security:On top of that, everyone that's eaten it is starting to fart.  
  
UM:*snicker*  
  
Knuckles:What now?  
  
UM:He said fart.  
  
Knuckles:So what, you just did.  
  
UM:Oh...o_o;...yeah.  
  
Knuckles:This is getting weird?  
  
UM:I didn't think the food would be this powerful...(wait a sec.)  
WWWWWAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHUUUUUUUU!_  
  
Washu:*snicker*You called he he he.  
  
UM:You rigged the food didn't you.  
  
Washu:Who me?HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!^_^  
  
UM:Why did you choose today to be you?  
  
Washu:It get's boring when knuckles isn't here.  
  
Knuckles:*gulp*mommy.  
  
UM:I don't have time to worry or care about this.  
  
Washu:Fine, oh by the way, it's almost ready.  
  
UM:Oh goody. Now let's get back to the fight.  
  
Bowser:*stomp**Stomp* I hear snakes taste like chicken.  
  
Snake:Well turtle soup doesn't sound bad either.  
  
Bowser:*FIRE BREATH.*  
  
Sanke:*FLAMETHROWER*  
  
UM:Yowza it's getting hot.  
  
Knuckles:Yowza?  
  
Bowser:(I've got to do sometihng very big, very quick or i'm done for.)  
  
Snake:(This is getting bad. If I can't hurt him i'm toast.)  
  
Bowser:*CLOAK*Now you can't see me.  
  
Snake:Where'd you go.  
  
Bowser:*SLASH* Right here.  
  
UM:Bowser's finally using his head.  
  
Knuckles:He can't miss with his cloak and slasher technique.  
  
Snake:I can play that game to.*CLOAKS*  
  
Bowser:Wuh?  
  
UM:My god. He's using the cloak device used by grey fox in MGS.  
  
Bowser:*CLOAK*  
  
Knuckles:So now we have a fight where the fighters can't see each other.  
  
Snake:Where'd you go.  
  
Bowser:I'd tell you, but I can't remember where I am.  
  
Snake:C'mon out  
  
*BUMP*  
  
Snake + Bowser:OW!  
  
UM:C'mon guys we're on a timeframe here.  
  
Snake:Hmmm...AH HA!...Hey bowser the princess got out of your shell.  
  
Bowser:*REAPPEARS*Where?  
  
Snake:*ROCKET LAUNCHER* Time to fry!  
  
Bowser:Oh poo, foiled again.  
  
*KABOOOOOOOM*  
  
UM:Was that a rocket or was it ganon again.  
  
Knuckles:I...think it was a rocket this time.  
  
UM:WOO-HOO. Snake is the winner.  
  
Toadstool:*singed* You cut it a little close there didn't you.  
  
Snake:At least you're alive sweety.  
  
Toadstool:(Wow he sure is built up.)  
  
UM:I think the lesson learned today is...  
  
Food can be your friend  
  
or food can be your foe  
  
Ganon:But if you eat to much of it  
  
UM+Ganon:To heaven you will goooooooooo.  
  
Knuckles:I need a new profession.  
  
UM:Thanks for watching system deathmatch. Tune in for  
season two coming sometime in the future...i'm not sure.  
You can bet that knuckles will still be here.  
  
Knuckles:Mom told me there'd be fics like this.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Note:Thanks everyone for your excellent reviews. This could not be done without your  
support. Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of me or knuckles. Season two will  
come soon. If any of you have ideas for future matches, just send in the names of the  
two who will fight. Then i'll let the readers decide who will win. Get ready for  
better fights, and even more mayhem then ever before.^_^ 


End file.
